Author: tyana

Oh heyy… I forgot that I have my journal that hasn’t been updated for soo long.. lols.

So here’s what’s new.. I finally seek help from professionals. At first it was kind of scary as I had bad experiences with my old therapist. Whatever I told her, she told my mom and it back fired me. That was like 20 years ago and ever since they were all the same to me.

I was at the bursting point when I made that decision because I didn’t want to hurt the kids or make them go through whatever that I had to go through by growing up with a bias toxic mother. I admit that I am turning into her with the constant yelling and constant “no”s towards them. So I needed the help to become a better version of myself. To stop telling myself that I am a bad mother, I will never be enough, I am not worthy of anyone, I’m just trash, I don’t deserve to live & I’m useless.

The MO, my panel clinic dr & Nym said they are proud of me that I decided to take this step for coming to the clinic after all the stressful/traumatizing event. Surprisingly, even the husband was proud of me and said that it’s the right call to make so work on my recovery.

Will all that support system behind me, I think I am able to go through it all. Starting my CBT soon! Just waiting for the call to come in for my first session. The other day was just a brief review on what is coming. Let’s hope for the best and may Allah ease my recovery journey. Insyaallah.

So last Thursday, we manage to get an appointment with Dr. Gandhi to checkout the pain that I have been having with my back for the past 3 weeks that hasn’t gone away. He checked it out thoroughly which made me tear up because it was sooo painful.

The final diagnosis of what I’m having is Periscapular Pains (basically in general means prolonged muscle pains). Therefore the treatment for it is by doing exercise and physio for 5session in 3 weeks then to go back and see him to do a follow up, It the pain still occurs then it means we have to take a next step which is by going for an MRI or CT scan which also means in order to do that I will have to be admitted into the hospital to claim it with insurance.

With that aside, I also discovered that “something” that runs in the family is trying to get in me.  I mean I knew that there is something in the family but I didn’t think that “it” would want me with me being an adopted child and all. I even spoke to Mak about it too, she advices me not take it because if I take it then it would start disturbing not only me but the kids as well so for their safety we tell “it” that I don’t want it. I told Nym all about it and Nym said Abg Raja would help tell the thing that I am not willing to take it so that “it” would find someonelse.

With all that being said, I now can confirmed that both discovery caused my pain and my spine is working just fine.

So I had an accident while playing catch with Adeena and fractured my 4th Metatarsal Bone on the right foot. It was so painful that I cried, went to the clinic the doctor gave me a referral letter to go to the hospital so we went the same night but since the ER was full we decided to go back home and come the next day which was Tuesday.

When Tuesday came, Adi was so caught up with work that i felt like I’m not as important as his work, well ye lah i know he is chasing his career to move forward as Rizal assured him only if he disciplined himself to a better version of him which i agree on la but hellooo Im in pain and need to get my cast on..

So I guess he felt pretty bad that he brought me on Wednesday to the ER to get admitted, and the episodes at the hospital be like wtf is wrong with me man.. with blood cair lah, low BP lah. adoiiiii..

The Ortho Doc, Doctor Gandhi is super nice and awesome. Easiest doctor to deal with, no strict instructions siap encourage to walk lagi. Doctor lain that I know kept asking me to sit still. ehh helloo my doctor surgeon lagi k siap ckp dont be so dramatic nak lembik, must be strong and get up and walk.

And so to sum it up I will be a cyborg with my aircast boots for the next 6-8weeks.. no driving but more walking.. haihhhhh… well done tyana, please learn your lesson not to run around the house with socks on.. pfftt.. brilliant idea right lari with socks on. ko bodoh ke apa pompuan. hahahhaa.. wait bodoh la tu dah jatuh baru teringat pakai socks. hahaha.. kbye.. oh wait, TODAY I GET TO BE DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL! YAY!! I MISS MY KIDS.. k now BYE for real. hahahahah

Have you ever felt so down that all you wanna do is to lay in bed all day without doing a thing but you have kids so you dragged your feet just to get up? Well, I had to go through that the past weekend..

Being broke to zero things at home. Client hasn’t paid the 2 pending invoices in which I chased today even when I know its a Sunday cause well durh, in bad need of money right? lols.

One by one things in the house finishing and we have none to provide to get us till pay day.. now literally all we have rice & eggs. lain habis dah and its only the 12th..2 weeks more to go until pay day.. haihh.. nangis teruk k.

This crucial times, I couldn’t bring myself to even ask for anyone’s help anymore cause they have helped me before and I cant burden all of them again for our own problems as they have their own problem..

So today something happen which triggers if we raised the kids the right way or the wrong way? Am I a bad mother? haih.. I don’t know.. We got angry at abang fir misbehaving, then he scratched his own face sebab marah sangat and upset with himself. He is showing signs of anxiety and depression like I use to have when I was a kid.

I tried asking him, he said he thinks that we don’t love him and that the memory of his father hitting me makes him upset and angry at himself which makes me sad that he remembers all that as it did not just happen once.

Should I bring him to see a psychiatrist? haihh… yeah I think I should.. and I think we should slow down on keep getting angry and yelling at him..

15 years ago, a person whom I saw as my brother did something unspeakable of in which I myself couldn’t bring myself to talk about it to anyone until a few years back where I started to open up to my cousin sister and then later to Maya. I was so traumatised till I kept locking myself up in the room being all depressed and disgusted with my own body. It took me quite awhile to hide that memory right at the back of my head to be blocked by other memories.

Last  Saturday, Kak Sue called me up to tell me that this person has been talking about what he did to me to others that I don’t even know. Since then, I just knew I had to open up to Adi as well. So I told him right there and then, well of course I broke down being all angry and sad and being haunted by the flashbacks. My brain just couldn’t function. I had restless and sleepless nights until now to be honest.

My whole weekend was ruined by the news. I only had 2-3hrs of sleep per night since Saturday. Mentally tired and its driving me insane. Just to know it like that if giving me a headache until I got so angry that I start throwing things across the room, crying, staring into blank space, screaming etc.

After that episode, this afternoon Faiz (mac’s friend) who grew up alongside all of us told me that Mik ran away, stealing RM2000 cash and his limited edition Hublot watch with the certificate that his father gave as a wedding present. All caught on his surveillance camera that is installed in his house. I got angrier after knowing that news. I mean how could he do such a thing. Faiz gave him a place to stay for a week when he was over in JB and right after we scolded him  about talking trash about me and others, this is what he does. haihhhhh…

Of all the topics to talk about we ended up talking about the two idiots in my life which I have considered dead.

The rage I have if them in my life is unimagineable. I feel angry! I feel hurt! I feel upset! Why??? Why should I feel so??

Its tiring. I’m mentally drained. I feel like screaming my lungs out cause I just can’t bare the pain I feel towards them. I hate them! I despise them for their own actions and poison. I do!! Why should I value them? They have caused me and mama a lot of trouble and ever since mama died its like the burden is on me. I mean why should i carry the burden right? I have 3 kids to think of and abang just entered Standard 1 so yeah I should be more focused on him more instead of these idiots.

Hence why I removed them from my life. Should I be the one letting them in again no! this time is a NO! I go above and beyond to try be there for them just the way Mama did so that they don’t feel the empty space as much but nope I cant controlled what happens in their life. They are two growned ass men. Its their life, their decision.. so WHATEVS! Just thinking about them gives me a headache!

Haihh..

Every year on my birthday since Mama left us 3years ago, it will be a gloomy day as a start cause usually she makes every birthday each year memorable even if its just celebrating between us.. I love how she knows how much I love being celebrated.. So, after she passed.. i will sit home and netflix all day.. Adi pun no effort to celebrate mine as much as I love celebrating birthdays!

Evn when I go all out to celebrate his like either bake him a cake or find ways to get him a cake, he wouldnt do the same..he only did it once when we were living in Palm Spring and that was it. So since then I lowered all my expectations of him trying to make effort the way Mama does for me..

I mean sure.. I can never compare what Mama does to what he does right cause its completely 2 different person. I miss you Ma. I really do.. I would give anything to have a moment with you again.. Al-fatihah..

This year, entering 3series lets start it with a bang! To be a better version of me, more productive, more positive and to more selflove!

This was taken on my last birthday celebration with Mama dated 31st December 2015.. She passed on 24 October 2016.. Only she can make birthdays feel special especially mine.. ??? I love you Ma!

She never fails to celebrate every birthdays cause birthdays are important to her and she made us feel appreciated and important even if its just for awhile before she starts turning into her bossy mode.. Thank you for all the birthday memories which make me feel that birthdays are important..!

When it comes to his parenting semua boleh but when I do it, itu tak betul, ini tak betul.. habis dia sorang je la yg boleh buat? Im upset. like really upset. kenapa whenever it comes to my terms ada je yang tak betul. we are in this together but why does he make me feel like dia je in this?

you know what. im not going to let this get to me. its not right to let things get to me even when i know it does. new resolution for 2020.. Better version of me. Be more positive. dont let things get to me easily.