Month: December 2019

Every year on my birthday since Mama left us 3years ago, it will be a gloomy day as a start cause usually she makes every birthday each year memorable even if its just celebrating between us.. I love how she knows how much I love being celebrated.. So, after she passed.. i will sit home and netflix all day.. Adi pun no effort to celebrate mine as much as I love celebrating birthdays!

Evn when I go all out to celebrate his like either bake him a cake or find ways to get him a cake, he wouldnt do the same..he only did it once when we were living in Palm Spring and that was it. So since then I lowered all my expectations of him trying to make effort the way Mama does for me..

I mean sure.. I can never compare what Mama does to what he does right cause its completely 2 different person. I miss you Ma. I really do.. I would give anything to have a moment with you again.. Al-fatihah..

This year, entering 3series lets start it with a bang! To be a better version of me, more productive, more positive and to more selflove!

This was taken on my last birthday celebration with Mama dated 31st December 2015.. She passed on 24 October 2016.. Only she can make birthdays feel special especially mine.. ??? I love you Ma!

She never fails to celebrate every birthdays cause birthdays are important to her and she made us feel appreciated and important even if its just for awhile before she starts turning into her bossy mode.. Thank you for all the birthday memories which make me feel that birthdays are important..!

When it comes to his parenting semua boleh but when I do it, itu tak betul, ini tak betul.. habis dia sorang je la yg boleh buat? Im upset. like really upset. kenapa whenever it comes to my terms ada je yang tak betul. we are in this together but why does he make me feel like dia je in this?

you know what. im not going to let this get to me. its not right to let things get to me even when i know it does. new resolution for 2020.. Better version of me. Be more positive. dont let things get to me easily.

Seriously, we just arrive and yes it is a norm that sampai sampai terus kemas bilik.. but this time like lagi teruk than yang kitorg balik previously. chronic dia OMG ok! I cannot la.. The kids and I are athmatic and allergic to dust. Well yes i know la I’m not 100% pembersih but this is teruk gila weh..

How does she live in this condition? like seriously.. smells of cat pee, dust banyak gila jenis masuk bila you can feel it go into your eyes and terus mata tu gatal, can kene headache terus. mental aku weh.. toilet dont need to say lah..

When she comes over our house she complains this not clean that not clean but her house is just unspeakable!!!! Level apa ni pun aku tak tau lah nak cakap! HELPPP!!

AND SHE WONDERS WHY WE DON’T COME BACK OFTEN!! HAHAH SERIOUS AHH? WTF WEHHHHH???!! GILA WEH!

So, today he had to do a performance with his bosses and colleagues.. Well one of his colleagues yang join tu is this girl that I am jealous off.. Why? Well to me she is pretty walaupun badan muscular a bit. Somehow I see her as a threat even though I know he doesn’t do anything sebab dia bukan jenis macam tu. I cant be punishing him for the things that he doesn’t do right? Tapi kenapa perlu rasa mcm ni? Like hello! Minah tu kan dah kahwin. WTH is your problem? Ntah.. pastu he uploaded gambar event today.. Sepatutnya no issue la kan tapi macam aku pi zoom pulak dekat that picture.. Then nampak muka dorg senyum tu sama.. Like ada iras.. Is that why? I told him I am jealous btw.. Haha motive sangat bagitau.. Hmm.. jealous tahap tak boleh tido.. Ko rasa?? Obv gila chronic nya jealous aku ni.. Lepas tu dan dan lah dia pun tak boleh nak tido sampai pergi dekat couch belek hp when he said dia nak tgk tv.. Tak pun.. Dia duk main hp lepas tu intai aku buat apa tak tido dari couch.. Hmmmm.. Ehh rimas la rasa mcm ni tapi normal la kan as a wife ada feeling jealous ni kan? Ke tak?

I got meeting with abg megat tomorrow. I should sleep but I can’t sleep and i don’t feel sleepy.. How to sleep la? Paksa diri ke mcm mana?ok you know what f it… I should try to get some sleep..body telling to sleep.. Brain working too much on nonsense thinking that minah dgn laki aku.. Oi setan blah laaaa.. Ko nak hasut apa lagi ni? Haihhhh..ok seriously ni syndrome kurang kasih sayang ke apa? Shit! Hahaha.. Dah dah Good night Journal.. Talk to you again tomorrow! byeee.. Ok tambah sikit.. Lepas tu he came in then disturb me.. Then in my head, well the stupid setan la ruin my head,thinking like ok so dia disturb aku lepas belek hp! So ko tgk apa dgn hp tu yg ko tetibe turn on? See?? Stupid setan right?? Mak stress!! kbye!

So all those stated above is what I have been feeling for quite sometime now. Those feelings most of the time are negative in which I know shouldn’t. To feel so makes me so down like I don’t know. It gets to me super bad. Those thoughts penetrates my mind. It hurts me. It demotivates me. It makes me feel like I will never be enough for anyone, including my precious beautiful family that I love soo much! I’m tired. I’m tired to feel!

Why do I feel upset? Like what makes me upset? When I let people down. When I disappoint someone. When don’t think like I’ve done enough. Like i should have done more. I should have spent more time. I could have been a better mother.

Why do I feel so? Maybe it all goes back to seeking approval? Yes that’s it.. Everything I feel leads back to square one.. “The Approval”.

In this case, I am happy for quite a number of things and I am ever so grateful for the things I have now. I married the person I love at the age of 23, fought for him when mama thought it wasn’t a good idea or if he is the right one. Had my first child at 24yo. Manage to fix my relationship with mama even though I still did not get her approval. Manage to make her happy by giving her grandchildren like she always wanted. Delivered my second child safely at the parking lot without any doctors. Happy to make my kids happy as to me their happiness is my top priority. I am ever so happy and grateful that I met nym,chaq & zaty. They keep me sane and positive whenever I losing it. They make me look on the brighter side which makes me bit by bit of who I am today. Having my support system like Adi, Mak JB, Maya and Uncle Mel behind me since mama passed makes it a tad bit easier to cope with life. For that I am ever so grateful.

Why do I feel angry? There is a lot to say about angry I suppose.. Like mungkin because I have been looked down at for too many times, being doubted for something I did not do, being said that I am not a good mother to my own children, being immature, for not being confident enough, for feeling like I am such a shit head. Those are the things that drives me go rage. 

To think about it je dah nak marah. Habis nak buat macam mana? Everything I do seems wrong. Like nothing would ever be right if I say it. 

Mungkin juga because people keep shutting me out and doesn’t bother to listen to what I have to say that made my anger build up. Why? Are my thoughts not worthy enough? Doesn’t it not matter to hear what I have to say? Does everything that comes out of my mouth all shit? Have I not done anything right by anyone to be looked down on like I’m some sort of stupid? Am I really? 

There are days where I break down and cry feeling all those negative feelings. Well when I think about it, it all goes back to the day I lost Mama. I felt empty. I grieved for the loss of my mother. The woman who raised me as her own when she was barren. The woman who gave me everything that I have today. The woman who taught me that family is important and that we should always unite and stick together as one. The woman whom I craved to get her approval.

During these down days, I would miss her extra. Like how I miss the pillow talks even when we would end up in an argument, her wake up calls and random messages, the alternate morning calls I make on my way to work and ultimately that one late night call episode I made to her which made her come all the way from JB just to spend time with me.

I miss all those times I had with her and I wished I could get more but who am I kidding. I can’t resurrect her right. I feel like I could have done more and with all that is going on right now, I just wished she was here to tell me how strong I am to cope with it all and that everything would be ok, that I am better than this. 

We both once had a fight which somewhat brought us closer, but the time given probably just wasn’t enough. After those fights, she somewhat understood me and vice versa. 

So, when she passed I feel as I am responsible to take over her duty in keeping the family together but I am not her. I need to stop trying to be her because I am NOT. Just to try keeping it together is so hard and having to deal with the other two just gives me more stress.

She once told me to lookout for the twos and her siblings. I think I did more than I should and I should be proud that I managed to do so but why is there a feeling that she wants me to do more? Why do I get so angry trying to make things right? Why do I have to clean up after their shit? Berbaloi ke? They both are toxic. They give me toxic vibes like anger and stress.

Why should I let them in? Why should I let them penetrate me brain/mind just like that? Is it because I have been dealing with their shit my whole life and that no one would do they way I do it? Mungkin.. Sakit hati? VERY. Bengang? VERY. Should I still care? I probably shouldn’t.

With all that happening, I think I’m still digesting and still struggling in coping with her loss that gets me into an unstable emotion kind of situation like how I get angry so fast etc. Kejap. Why should I be angry? Marah Allah tarik dia? Tapi Allah dah kata, ajal itu pasti. Then why I feel like this? Why is there so much anger? Anger ni piling up since when? OK kene dig deep inside the mind. Kalau tak sampai sudah ko tak tau oi.

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