There are days where I break down and cry feeling all those negative feelings. Well when I think about it, it all goes back to the day I lost Mama. I felt empty. I grieved for the loss of my mother. The woman who raised me as her own when she was barren. The woman who gave me everything that I have today. The woman who taught me that family is important and that we should always unite and stick together as one. The woman whom I craved to get her approval.
During these down days, I would miss her extra. Like how I miss the pillow talks even when we would end up in an argument, her wake up calls and random messages, the alternate morning calls I make on my way to work and ultimately that one late night call episode I made to her which made her come all the way from JB just to spend time with me.
I miss all those times I had with her and I wished I could get more but who am I kidding. I can’t resurrect her right. I feel like I could have done more and with all that is going on right now, I just wished she was here to tell me how strong I am to cope with it all and that everything would be ok, that I am better than this.
We both once had a fight which somewhat brought us closer, but the time given probably just wasn’t enough. After those fights, she somewhat understood me and vice versa.
So, when she passed I feel as I am responsible to take over her duty in keeping the family together but I am not her. I need to stop trying to be her because I am NOT. Just to try keeping it together is so hard and having to deal with the other two just gives me more stress.
She once told me to lookout for the twos and her siblings. I think I did more than I should and I should be proud that I managed to do so but why is there a feeling that she wants me to do more? Why do I get so angry trying to make things right? Why do I have to clean up after their shit? Berbaloi ke? They both are toxic. They give me toxic vibes like anger and stress.
Why should I let them in? Why should I let them penetrate me brain/mind just like that? Is it because I have been dealing with their shit my whole life and that no one would do they way I do it? Mungkin.. Sakit hati? VERY. Bengang? VERY. Should I still care? I probably shouldn’t.
With all that happening, I think I’m still digesting and still struggling in coping with her loss that gets me into an unstable emotion kind of situation like how I get angry so fast etc. Kejap. Why should I be angry? Marah Allah tarik dia? Tapi Allah dah kata, ajal itu pasti. Then why I feel like this? Why is there so much anger? Anger ni piling up since when? OK kene dig deep inside the mind. Kalau tak sampai sudah ko tak tau oi.
