Tag: #rants #selfunderstanding

So I haven’t been feeling myself lately. Been having back pains for almost 3weeks now. Struggling to get up everyday hoping the pain wouldn’t come back but who am I kidding, it is going to come back until we find out the root cause of the pain which means I still have to go to the hospital to see Dr. Gandhi and do the bloody MRI. Then only we can decide what to do next.

When I told him how I feel it didn’t seem like he accepted it how I thought he would as a husband but then again men being men right. They only would try to understand if it is important to them. He said things that hurt me a lot and made me even feel worse about myself in which is not at all helping.

I feel like I have not been a good partner, wife, mother, friend or even a sister. Its like I’m useless. I hate feeling that I am because I know I has achieved soo much and I have improved in many ways I couldn’t see myself doing before I got married. I know how to cook now and I am good at it! I can bake and I love doing so! I have 3 beautiful children who drives my blood pressure up up and away but that is okay cause I love them so much!  I know how to do laundry, fold clothes, clean the house basically all the house chores, I am able to do it!

So I’m going to try something..

I am going to keep journaling as frequent as possible so that I will not let it get it me. I will let it slide. Well I know its hard but then.. I have to try something right? and this will be it.. to many more thought downloads and feelings..

I GOT THIS!

So here goes.. At times I keep asking myself why do I feel down? Why am I like this? Am I depressed? What triggers it? Is it because I care too much about what people think of me? About what I am doing is right or wrong? What? Is there anything wrong with me overthinking?

When Mama was around I keep seeking for her approval which leads to how I am now.. I keep wondering if I do something would that make see my existence instead of being overshadowed by my two brothers? What do I do to make her see me? Why is it that the boys gets so much attention and I don’t? Everytime when I get her attention is when I made a mistake or did something wrong or even when the boys pinned something they did on me and she would just believe it without even verifying with me as she thinks that I would like even when I am telling the truth. I even thought like there was something wrong with me to feel that way and to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling so eases me.

With all that happening while I was growing up, is that the cause of me being who I am today? Seeking approval of my loved ones and when I don’t get ‘em I get so worked up, so upset, so down and depressed thinking I am useless and not worthy of their approval.. Doesn’t matter whether is from the husband, the family or his family.

I might not seem like I’m seeking their approval but I feel like I am. WHY? By listing all these down makes me realise that YES! I do care what my loved ones think of me! I do want their approval but what for? What do I gain from it? Nothing kan? Then why does it bother me so much? Truthfully I don’t know and not knowing stresses me out. Yet again, why should I stress? It is so unnecessary to stress over things that are not important. 

The bits and pieces of growing up in such stress gave me those negative vibes and made myself believe that I am not worthy of anyone’s trust, I am beyond capable of doing what I have been told to do, I would never come through to be a successful person. See what I mean by I am super negative when it comes to these kind of things.

I keep telling myself that I’m done with seeking their approval, but I unconsciously still do so. The desire to get one’s approval is such a big thing for me, again I don’t know why. Does it satisfy me? Mungkin la kan then what? Lepas dapat approval what do I feel? I crave for more. Maybe just maybe that crave for more is the trigger.